Thought 1 and Thought 2 (Oh, and Thought 3)

I keep a journal. I have scribbled my thoughts, memories, dreams, and fears into little blank books for over 12 years now. Michael used to tease me that my vanity was most apparent on my bookcase because half the books I had written myself. In my years of journal writing one thing has kept me from making entries more than any other. If it has been a while since I wrote, I tend to put off writing for longer and longer because I know so much has happened and that first entry is going to have to cover so much that it will take forever and I most likely will leave something important out. So, I put off writing and the pile of experiences and thoughts and memories I don’t want to forget gets bigger and bigger until finally I can’t put it off anymore and write a random entry that touches on a lot of things and does not go into depth on any of them. That is what this blog post is going to be like. There, you have been warned.

It has been a very full 2 ½ weeks since I blogged, and now that I have broken the ice with the first post, hopefully it will not take so long next time. They have been very difficult weeks for me, and yet filled with many lessons. When trying to decide what to include in this post, three thoughts from the last few weeks stood out. The first came to me at work. I love my job. I love that I get to go to work and before I do anything else, sit in my office and pray for my Compass kids, for my co-workers, for direction, for wisdom. I love that I can be cleaning the building and stumble across notes like in the picture above. I love what I get to do all day and that I get to be a part of my kids’ lives. In the past few weeks I have been learning more about my students. Some of what I hear breaks my heart. By the middle of this week I was more than a little despondent, wondering how I can make any difference in such overwhelming situations. The answer came via a man who has been working in North Omaha for 20 years. During staff training he led this week he said something I am still stewing over. He told us if we wanted to really make a difference, we had to decide we were not working here for the kids. That made me sit up and listen. He went on to say that if we come to work and make it our ambition to help our kids and improve their lives we will be frustrated and fail miserably. Hit the nail I had been fretting over on the head. However, not to leave us like that, he said if we come to work each day and pour our hearts into doing what we do because it is what God has called us to do and we do it for Him, we will succeed. It made me think of a quote from the movie We Bought a Zoo that said, “When you do something for the right reasons, nothing can stop you”. Thought number one.

Thought number two came to me on the road. The distance between my family’s home and mine is far longer than I wish it were, but the driving time does give me a chance to think about some things. I was thinking about love again, about pouring our hearts out for the benefit of someone else fully recognizing you might not receive anything in return. “Investing our lives in the lives of others”, I thought somewhat aimlessly as the road curved out ahead of me. I have heard that concept, of investing in others, so many times, but when I said it out loud this time it hit me. An investment is something from which you expect a return. I wondered, does true love invest in others, or does it radically, recklessly, and with abandon spend itself for others. Thought number two.

Thought number three was the most painful to come by. First, I had to go through 9 days of intense emotional struggle. I had to let go of something I held very close to my heart, cry, spend some sleepless nights asking God for strength to make it. Thoughts about pain swirled in my mind and I started contemplating a blog post about it. Recognizing that I was not in any state of mind to conjure up brilliant quotes on pain, and being a resourceful person, I decided to look on Pintrest for inspiring quotes to add to my blog post. I did find an awesome quote, although I decided, “I hope you step on a Lego” probably was more suited to an insult war than a blog post on pain. But finally, on the 9^th day, thought number three came. It was frigidly cold and windy, and I was walking on a dock, the icy air piercing my wool coat all the way to my bones. My hair was almost on end from the wind, yet I moved slowly, waiting for an answer to the question that burned in my heart.Why? Why does there have to be pain? Why do hearts have to break? Why? Why can’t there always be beautiful things? From deep in the recesses of my mind a thought began to emerge; a memory of something a friend told me years ago. Without good, there can be no evil. Evil cannot exist on its own, it must be opposite of good in order to be evil. I remembered stewing over that thought for a long time when I first heard it. Now as it resurfaced in my mind it brought with it a new thought. Without pain, there cannot be beautiful things. Without the agony of this world and a life devoid of the promise that all be made beautiful, there is nothing to contrast beauty with. And if there is nothing to compare it to, the true value of a beautiful thing can be lost and forgotten. If all rocks were diamonds, diamonds would be worth nothing. If every experience I have is painless and beautiful, how would I ever know to appreciate them?

The wind was still cutting through me like a knife as I stepped off the dock and headed towards my car, but the thought was planted in my mind. A few days later I realized the quote I really wanted, I was not going to find on Pintrest. The concept of beautiful things springing from pain was far closer and more familiar than I had imagined. Jesus said it. “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds” John 12:24. If we refuse to go through the pain, we remain a single dried up wheat kernel. But if we are willing to go through the pain, God will grow beautiful things in us and from us. Thought number three. I would love to hear any thoughts you have on these topics. Leave me a comment in my vastly underused comment box… J